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A young boy sitting on a piano bench realizes one day that he will never marry. At the time, this seems merely a simple, if odd, fact, but as his attraction to boys grows stronger, he is pulled into a vortex of denial. Not just for one year or even 10, but for 25 years, he lives in an inverted world, a place like a photographic negative, where love is hate, attraction is envy, and childhood never ends. He comes to think of himself as a kind of monster—until one day, seemingly miraculously, the world turns itself upright and the possibility of love floods in.
Equal parts Oliver Sacks and George Orwell, with moments of Woody Allen, Jonathan Rauch’s memoir of his “inversion” is by turns harrowing and funny, a grippingly intimate journey through a bizarre maze of self-torment that ends with an unexpected discovery. Many people, gay and straight, have lived through their own versions of this story, seeking to twist their personality in directions it just won’t go. Not all have been lucky enough to escape.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jonathan Rauch first drafted this book, years ago, strictly for himself, to make a personal record of his “life without a soul.” After hesitating for years to publish it, he was inspired to do so partly by the redemptive power of his own marriage, to a man—the marriage he thought he could never have. The author of five books (including Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America) and a National Magazine Award winner, Rauch has been writing for The Atlantic since 1989.
PRAISE FOR DENIAL
"Heart-rending and heart-warming: a touchingly intimate memoir that will move everyone, gay or straight, who has yearned for a love they do not understand." —David Frum, author and contributing editor at Newsweek/Daily Beast.
“Every gay person will recognize his own journey—the longing, the regret, the isolation, and one hopes, the eventual peace. A wrenching story that all of us, gay or not, can appreciate, Denial shows what it is like to be ‘different’ in a world that demands sameness.”
—Dale Carpenter, author of Flagrant Conduct: The Story of Lawrence v. Texas
Denial is the debut release from The Atlantic Books, a long-form digital imprint of The Atlantic.
- Sales Rank: #137215 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-04-30
- Released on: 2013-04-30
- Format: Kindle eBook
Most helpful customer reviews
40 of 42 people found the following review helpful.
A Remarkable Personal Remembrance of 25 Years in the Closet & Finding Your Way Out.
By Groch
Denial is a remarkable personal remembrance of Jonathan Rauch's internal struggles growing up a closeted gay man.
It chronicles his early childhood recognition of a secret difference, an unknowable monster in his psyche that must be hidden from both himself and the world. He describes the elaborate structure of denials, the closet, which he created and maintained until he was 25 to preserve his secret and his sanity.
Rauch documents with startling honesty and insight how the decades he spent denying his nature to himself stunted his relationships with others and distorted his understanding of the world. Spoiler alert: there is a happy ending. He also describes the process of self-discovery that let him open the closet door to become an authentic and loving self.
I think that many straight people view the coming out process differently from what it usually is. They may imagine an adolescent suddenly discovering (or choosing) to be gay, and that coming out is simply deciding when to let everyone else in on the secret. A lot of blog comments on Jason Collins recent revelations seem to support this distorted view.
Gay people are not born in closets. They painstakingly build them themselves, board by board and layer by layer as a defense against a world that would mock and humiliate them. Discovering that you are "different" and "not normal" is a frightening paralyzing thing for a kid. Many, like Rauch, become convinced that they are not only different; but are unique and alone in their struggle with a hidden monster. LGBT suicide rates underline the seriousness of this struggle.
Jonathan Rauch is 1st a great reporter and 2nd a remarkably honest and self aware man. This short book describes the coming out experience with greater detail, self-knowledge and compassion than I have ever seen. Its not a long read. But categorizing Denial as a "Kindle Single" does not do justice to the amazing amount of thought and self analysis that was apparent on every page. Many of the thoughts John describes growing up I too felt but had long forgotten, or had imagined were mine alone. The difficulty he had fighting through the "kudzu" of self-denial to accept his authentic self is an experience that many gay people will relate to.
Rauch does not claim that his own journey is the same as that of all or any other gays. It certainly differed in significant ways from mine. Each of our paths is our own. However, I am confident that reading John's story will provide any GLBT person who struggles with coming out with increased self-awareness and a greater confidence that they are not alone and that there are pathways to the light.
The book is also a good choice for families, friends and loved ones who want to better understand what gay people who struggle with the closet may be going through and how to better support them.
I hope that our nation's rapid cultural change and increasing support for GLBT youth will someday make this personal memoir just an interesting relic of the past. We're not there yet. Thank you Jonathan for telling this most personal, honest and insightful story.
26 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
Revelatory
By Mark in San Jose
As a straight man reading Jonathan Rauch's remarkable book I have to admit that at times I was very uncomfortable. But I'm so glad I read it. I've never encountered this degree of intelligent, self aware, and brutally honest personal narrative which at the same time is amazingly enlightening. The perspective it provides on one man's harrowing journey to knowing himself is a unique and valuable contribution. I can't imagine anyone who reads this book ever imagining that there is any "choice" in the matter. Overall an interesting and very engaging read. I highly recommend it.
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
A Provocative and Affirming Read
By BayGuy
After reading an excerpt I was 'hooked' so I downloaded this e-novella. Beautifully and intelligently written, with breathtaking clarity surrounding the experience of the struggle many of us have experienced coming to terms with our sexuality. I was particularly touched by the emphasis on sexuality as an experience of love and its relationship to one's soul/spirituality. This construct, I believe is often unappreciated or under-appreciated by individuals who perceive homosexuality to be just something relating to a sex act. Bravo!
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